Is it too soon to come off the drugs?

Is it too soon to come off the drugs?

Around the midway point of my pregnancy with Elowen, I walked into my doctors office and announced I was depressed. I’d been here before, depression wasn’t new to me. And there was no doubt in my mind that I was suffering with depression again. I also knew that the cause of my depression was largely situational. I was a pregnant, stay-at-home to a mum to a toddler, who for 8 hours a day, most days of the week didn’t speak to another adult. I was living 100+ miles away from my friends and family and I was incredibly lonely.

When the doctor asked me what I wanted to do about my situation I knew I wanted drugs. I believe my exact words were “I know why I’m depressed, I know what I’ve got to do to fix it (relocate back to Bristol) but right now, I need something to get me through the day.” I left that appointment with a prescription for Sertraline. An anti-depressant which I would take every day “for a year or so”.

Sure enough, after the side effects of dizziness and sweating died down, Sertraline got me through the day. I stopped crying all the time. I enjoyed being a mum again. I looked forward to having two children instead of dreading it. I felt like I could cope. But also, aside from the meds, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. We were going to be moving back to my hometown.

We put our house on the market over Christmas and by April this year we were in our new home, located a short drive away from my closest friends. I’ve had more of a social life in the last 3 months than I have the 3 years that preceded our move back home. I feel better connected and supported. Not just as a mother, but as a person.

Which beggars the question, is it time to come off the drugs?

I don’t think anybody plans to take medication for mental health long term. And in my mind, it was only ever meant to be a temporary measure until our situation changed. I want to be able to feel happy without my little box of pills.

And yet, I still feel reluctant to stop taking them.

Whilst it’s now been well over 6 months since I truly felt like I was in the depths of depression. Those thoughts and feelings are still fresh in my memory. How sad I felt. How useless I deemed myself to be. How sore my face felt was from all of the crying I did. I don’t want to go back to that. Ever.

For me, it’s just easier for my prescription to keep dropping through my letterbox every couple of weeks and to keep taking the pills daily. Safe in the knowledge that they will keep those awful thoughts and feelings at bay. The drugs have become a psychological crutch, which is precisely what didn’t want to happen.

I’ve yet to register with a doctor here but I know my medication is something I will need to talk about when I do, which is probably why I’ve been putting it off.

I don’t want to stay on anti-depressants forever. But is it too soon to stop?

 

Jenna xx

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Preparing for a home birth: What do I need?

Preparing for a home birth: What do I need?

Once I’d finally decided that I wanted to give birth to my second baby at home, I found myself frantically Googling ‘What do I need for a home birth?’. I mean, there are hundreds of lists on the Internet about what to pack in your hospital bags, surely I’d need to prepare for giving birth at home too? Well, yes and no. It turns out you need very little to give birth at home – some waterproof sheets and a few large towels being the bare minimum. (Your midwifery team will supply all the medical bits.)

I soon realised that it wasn’t about what I needed but what I wanted. A home birth is an opportunity to create your ideal ‘birth environment’ so instead of asking yourself “what do I need for a home birth?”, ask yourself “what do I want for my home birth?”

Want a water birth? Then you’ll need to hire/buy a pool.

Want mood lighting? Get yourself some candles!

Want to push your baby out whilst listening to Micheal Bublé crooning? Then kidnap Michael Bublé… or put together a playlist of your favourite Bublé tracks. (In your condition, I’d suggest going for the latter option!)

You get my point, right?

In the end, I did put together a ‘home birth kit’ – things I thought I’d want/need when it came to the big day so I thought I’d share that list of items on my blog – for anybody else out there who is also frantically Googling ‘What do I need for a home birth?”

PS. For reference, I’ve asterisked the items that I actually did end up using during my home birth.

My Home birth Kit:

Birth plan (you can read mine here)*

Hand sanitiser

Hair bands*

A large black oversized t-shirt and a black button-down nightie*

Comfy slipper socks

Vaseline (Gas and Air can dry your lips out)

Things requested by the midwives: 

My maternity notes*

A torch

Plenty of tea/coffee*

Snacks*

Pain relief:

Paracetamol

A TENS machine – I hired this one for 7 weeks.*

Hot water bottle

A microwavable heat pack (lavender scented)

A packet of Kool’n’Soothe Migraine Sheets

Wooden massage tool

x2 flannels (to use as hot/cold compresses)*

Drinks and snacks for myself and birthing partner:

x2 Isotonic sports drinks (avoid the fizzy ones!)*

Glucose tablets

Bottles of water*

A selection of cereal bars and biscuits – we also have some white bread in the freezer for toast.

For the mess: 

Sick bags

x2 packets of disposable bed mats (I picked these up in the Pound Shop)*

x4 large waterproof mats (for using on the floor/sofas etc.)*

x1 roll of strong multi-purpose tape (for sticking the mats to the floor so they don’t stick to me or move around!)*

3 Large bath sheets*

Maternity pads*

Maternity knickers*

Creating my ‘birth atmosphere’: 

Our Sonos speaker*

Phone with ‘Birth Playlist’ on it*

An Aroma diffuser and lavender essential oil

A large fleecy blanket (to put on top of the waterproof mats and make the floor more comfortable)

For my upright birth: 

My birth ball

My CUB Support*

(You can read about the benefits of having an upright birth here.)

For baby (I have these items packed away in a separate bag so that I could take them with me to the hospital in case of transfer): 

Umbilical cord tie*

Knitted hats*

Sleepsuits and vests*

Scratch mits*

Wishing you the very best of luck with your home birth! :)

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The Newborn Diaries:
Elowen’s Fourth Week

The Newborn Diaries: <br> Elowen’s Fourth Week <br/>

After keeping a diary of Elowen’s first week earthside, I have decided I would carry on keeping daily notes for the next few weeks. The days all seem to roll into one at the moment (sleep deprivation will do that) and I know these early weeks will become such a blur all too soon. I want to be able to look back on them and remember as much as I can – the good days and the rough days.

Elowen’s fourth week:

Monday – Day 22:

I’m pleased to say that we made it to the church playgroup again this Monday morning. I love that it doesn’t start until 10am (lots of baby/toddler groups seem to start at 9/9.30am which is madness). Elowen slept the whole time we were there on my lap whilst Jasmine and I made paper crowns (ala the three wise men).

I’m so glad that Stephen has been making my lunch in the mornings before he goes to work. We got home from playgroup and I was starving (I’d had breakfast about 6am) but Jasmine needed feeding and Elowen was screaming for boob. Thankfully, I could just pull some chicken and salad wraps out of the fridge and chuck them down my throat. It’s the little things that make a big difference when you’re trying to juggle the demands of two tiny people.

Tuesday – Day 23:

Stephen’s using up some of his annual leave over the next week or so which meant he was off work today – woot! Jasmine was at nursery for the morning which meant we had some time to get some chores done. We had another estate agent round to value our house first thing. She told me I didn’t look like I’d just given birth three weeks ago. I could’ve kissed her.

I think Elowen is going through her 3 week growth spurt because she’s been on the boob pretty much ALL day. She’s quite fussy too – keeps latching on and then crying and pulling away. The lactation consultant I saw the other week warned me about this and reminded me that her constant feeding isn’t a sign that I’m not producing enough milk but a signal to my body to produce more. E has also been awake for most of the day which is very unlike her.

E had her first proper ‘Poonami’ today. Is there a milestone card for that? Anyway – bright yellow poo all the way up her ‘Best Little Sister’ babygrow. Sad times.

Wednesday – Day 24:

Just when I thought that Jasmine was over her little night waking phase – she was up at 3am again last night. Stephen ended up going downstairs with her again. I know you’re ‘meant’ to try and put toddlers back to bed but trust me when I say, it ain’t gonna happen. Once Jasmine’s awake, that’s it. Elowen on the other hand slept well between feeds (which were fairly short and frequent throughout the night).

It’s safe to say we are all feeling the effects of lack of sleep today. Jasmine fell asleep watching a film on our bed 9am. I left her to it and took Elowen downstairs – she was still cluster-feeding like a crazy baby as I worked my way through a tub of Celebrations. Whoops!

I had to wait in for some online shopping deliveries (the only way I’m getting any Crimbo shopping done this year) so it was a good excuse for a film and duvet day… not that we needed an excuse after last night’s shenanigans!

Right… Elowen needs feeding again…

Thursday – Day 25:

My poor bubba has a cold. I knew it was inevitable because the lurgy has been going around our house for weeks. Elowen has really been struggling with feeding and cries after latching on because she can’t breathe. I felt so helpless. I jumped on Amazon and ordered ALL the baby cold supplies – Snuffle babe drops, nasal aspirator and saline spray.

Friday – Day 26:

Elowen just wanted to be held today (as per usual) so I popped her in the carrier and made Paw Patrol cupcakes with Jasmine. The day went a bit downhill after that. Jasmine’s been particularly needy and attention seeking today. It’s been exhausting. At several points throughout the day both girls were crying at the same time. It was the sort of day I has been dreading before becoming a mama to two. To be fair, I thought I would’ve had a a fair few days like this already so far but coping with two hasn’t been as bad as I feared. (Famous last words.)

E was still suffering with her stuffy nose, especially when laying on her back so bed time was… interesting. I used the Snuffle Babe drops in my diffuser which seemed to help ease clear her airways a bit. I really hope she’s feeling a bit better soon.

Saturday – Day 27: 

Elowen had her first ever bath this morning! I was so worried about her losing that ‘newborn smell’ and her super soft skin that I had been putting it off. Basically I didn’t want to wash away her new-ness! She was so chilled out and hardly seem phased at all. I’m happy to report that she still has that new baby smell and her skin is still super soft! :)

My dad came up from Bristol to visit us today which is kind of a big deal. We’ve had a pretty crap relationship over the last few years and to put that in to context, until today he hadn’t seen Jasmine since she was 6 weeks old. We’re both making more of an effort to stay in touch these days though and I’m glad my girls will get to know their grandad.

Sunday – Day 28:

Slept in this morning and felt better for catching up on some sleep. I feel like I constantly need a shower at the moment as I seem to wake up smelling of sweat and sour milk (E has a habit of spitting milk back up all over my bra!). My skin and hair are both awful at the moment and I just feel a bit ‘meh’.

Anyway, enough of my whinging…. my baby is 4 weeks old. 4 WEEKS! I can hardly believe it. I’ve noticed in the last few days that some of her newborn babygrows are already becoming a bit snug. My Baby Button-Nose is growing like a week.

I’m so happy that I’m still feeding her and on that note, I’ve not used the nipple shields for at least 24 hours so I think we’re pretty much weaned off of them now. VERY happy about that.

Here’s her ‘4 week’ photos…

The other night I sent a message asking my one of my best friends, who is a neonatal nurse, how long a baby is classed as a newborn for. (Google gave me lots of different answers). She told me that at her work they classed babies as ‘newborns’ for 28 days. Waaaaaaaah! I wish I’d never asked. ;)

I’m probably going to stop writing these weekly ‘newborn diaries’ now and give myself the chance to write some other kind of blogs posts (I’m only finding enough time to do about one post a week at the mo). I’ve really enjoyed keeping these little notes over the last 4 weeks and no doubt they will make for interesting reading in months/years from now  (basically when I’m feeling broody and nostalgic).

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The Newborn Diaries:
Elowen’s Third Week

The Newborn Diaries: <br> Elowen’s Third Week <br/>

After keeping a diary of Elowen’s first week earthside, I have decided I would carry on keeping daily notes for the next few weeks. The days all seem to roll into one at the moment (sleep deprivation will do that) and I know these early weeks will become such a blur all too soon. I want to be able to look back on them and remember as much as I can – the good days and the rough days.

Elowen’s third week:

Monday – Day 15:

I survived my first day of solo parenting with two kiddos! I must admit, I had been really nervous about Stephen going back to work but today went a lot better than I hoped. I managed to get us all fed, dressed and out of the house. We went to the local church playgroup in the morning. Jasmine and I did some Christmas crafts whilst Elowen snoozed in the her carrycot. I felt like super mum! Pride before a fall?!

Tuesday – Day 16:

Jasmine had nursery this morning which meant 5 hours of guilt-free time with my littlest lady. It was nice to be able to feed Elowen without having to say things like “I can’t do that right now” and “I’ll do it in the minute, Jasmine”. At 12pm I had the Health Visitor round. I now have another bunch of leaflets to read… I’d only just finished reading the ones the midwife gave me last week! Elowen weighed 8lb 11oz today so she’s putting on weight nicely. The HV asked me if I’d thought about my contraception options. Honestly? It’s the LAST thing on my mind!

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Also today this happened:

Wednesday – Day 17:

Today has been exhausting. Elowen was quite unsettled last night and was waking up for feeds very frequently. I felt like Jasmine was really pushing my buttons throughout the day but my tiredness didn’t help matters. We went out for a walk to the shops in the morning, just for something to do. Jasmine kept running off down the aisles despite me asking her to stay close to me. Later on in the afternoon I snapped at her because she was pushing Elowen too roughly in her Nuna chair. She got tearful and her bottom lip wobbled which made me feel like a horrible mum because really she was only trying to comfort her baby sister.

I’ve consumed a silly amount of chocolate today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Thursday – Day 18:

I’m feeling more human today. Last night E had her last feed before bed at around 11pm and then didn’t wake again for another one until 3.30am. Not only that, but she also slept in the Next to Me for most of the night which is a first! *fist pump* Normally she will only settle to sleep when she’s next to me in our bed which I don’t mind but I don’t think I sleep as well/deeply when I know she’s in the bed with me.

Jasmine was at nursery this morning so I took E to the cinema for the parent and baby screening of ‘Sully: Miracle on the Hudson”. I felt like I should’ve been doing something else ‘more important’ but once I got there, I enjoyed the film and uninterrupted baby hugs. Plus the walk to town and back (half an hour or so each way) probably did me some good.

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I’ve been using the nipple shields a lot less today and whilst it takes E a bit longer to latch on without them, feeding is still going well.

Friday – Day 19:

Whoa, I’d totally forgotten how tiring it is having a newborn. I am beyond exhausted. I managed to convince Jasmine to snuggle up in bed with Elowen and I a little longer this morning. I needed a bit more time to wake up so I stuck Blaze and the Monster Machines on the telly and semi-dozed for a while.

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I realised once I was up that I’d ran out of my medication (in fact, I missed a day yesterday) so we needed to take a trip down to the doctors surgery to pick up my prescription. I wore Elowen in my Boba 3G carrier and Jasmine walked. We popped into the coffee shop on the way home for milkshakes which made me realise how much more grown up Jasmine has suddenly become.

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The afternoon passed by in a blur – there’s always something to do or somebody who needs attention. And before I knew it, it was 6pm and Stephen was walking through the door. I survived my first week with both children! We’ve gotten outside every single day and dare I say it, but I’ve actually enjoyed having the two of them to myself. Well, except when they’re both crying at the same time – that’s headache inducing!

Saturday – Day 20: 

Well last night was PANTS! I’m not sure I got any sleep at all, I certainly don’t feel like I did. Elowen was waking constantly for feeds and would not settle after them – she just kept crying. She seemed frustrated for whatever reason and I was getting irritated because I couldn’t do anything to calm her down. I’d shove a boob in her mouth but that only worked temporarily.

I’m so glad it’s Saturday so that Stephen was able to get up with Jasmine (at 6am) and I could stay in bed. Elowen and I didn’t get up until gone half past ten! It meant that today was a bit of a write-off because I was too tired to do anything. I managed to order a couple of Christmas presents online but that was the extent of my productivity.

I can’t believe E will be 3 weeks old tomorrow. I feel so sad about how quickly the time is going – I think it’s because I know she will my last baby. She already seems so much bigger than Jasmine was at this age (because she is).

Sunday – Day 21:

Ahh look at my gorgeous girl…

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It’s so crazy to think that she is three weeks old already. I feel a bit guilty that I don’t take as many photos of her as I did when Jasmine was a baby. I try to make a special effort to get some nice ones every Sunday so I can at least see how much bigger she’s getting each week. Today she seemed really alert when I was taking her photos – she was taking everything in and wondering what on earth Mummy was doing. It’s something she’s going to have to get used to! ;)

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We’ve had a nice chilled out family day today. We took the dog out for a walk this morning – it was freezing! Annoyingly I can’t do my coat up all the way when I’m wearing Elowen in the carrier. I have ordered one of those fleecey jumper tops though with the hole in the front for baby! The sooner that arrives, the better!

We also put up the Christmas tree… well, Jasmine and Stephen put up the tree. I was stuck on the sofa feeding Elowen (who I swear, has been non-stop feeding today). I did hang a few baubles up at the end so that was something I suppose.

I’ve been struggling to do the online food shop this evening because E screams the moment I put her down. I secretly love having a clingy baby but it does make simple tasks a bit difficult at times!

I’m sad the weekend is over but looking forward to what the next week with my two babies holds. I’ll be trying not to get too emotional as my littlest lady approaches the one month old mark! Waaah!!

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The Newborn Diaries:
Elowen’s Second Week

The Newborn Diaries: <br> Elowen’s Second Week <br/>

After keeping a diary of Elowen’s first week earthside, I have decided to carry on keeping daily notes for the next few weeks. The days all seem to roll into one at the moment (sleep deprivation will do that) and I know these early weeks will become such a blur all too soon. I want to be able to look back on them and remember as much as I can – the good days and the rough days.

You can read about Elowen’s first week here.

Elowen’s second week:

Monday – Day 8:

Felt like I saw every hour last night. Stephen took Jasmine to playgroup. I rested in bed for a while and tried to nap and E slept all morning. I had a shower and put make up on for first time in ages.

Went to the garden centre in the afternoon. The pushchair had it’s maiden voyage! Jasmine was chaos, running around all over the place.

I breastfed in public for the first time. It felt really awkward.

I tried a feed without a nipple shield – E did latch on but was fussing and kept coming off the boob. Has spurred me on to keep trying though.

Tuesday – Day 9:

Busy day today. Stephen dropped Jasmine off at nursery and then we headed into town with Elowen to register her birth. We were both too sleep deprived to remember what year we got married (2015). We went for celebratory hot chocolates after and I breastfed E in public again. I felt a bit more relaxed this time but I’m still finding using a nipple shield whilst trying to maintain my modesty a bit tricky!

We did a bit of Christmas shopping and I even managed to squeeze in a well overdue eyebrow wax at the Benefit Brow bar! It’s the first time I’ve done anything for ‘me’ in months.

In the afternoon, Stephen stayed home with Jasmine whilst I took E to a breastfeeding clinic to see a lactation consultant. I want to be able to ditch the nipple shields! She checked for tongue tie (no obvious sign of any) and watched me feed Elowen. Sarah, the LC, told me that E’s jaw was quite tight and she wasn’t using her tongue as effectively as she could be. She explained that this was probably due to my fast labour and that E’s latch will probably improve itself over the coming weeks and that she’ll most likely wean herself off the shields anyway. Sarah suggested that an osteopath may be able to help speed the process up a bit but that could get expensive. All in all, it was a really useful and positive appointment. I got lots of answers to my feeding questions.

I spent the evening baby spamming one of my besties on WhatsApp. Told her that E is so cute I wanted to eat her. Bestie told me that there’s a name for that: “cute aggression”. You learn something new every day.
I’m hoping to find out that E’s had a good weight gain tomorrow and we’re discharged from the midwives…

Wednesday – Day 10:

Had my midwife appointment this afternoon. Elowen is over her birth weight and I’m absolutely thrilled. I’m so proud of us both. We’ve been discharged by the midwives.

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I’ve been a feeling tired and a bit snappy today – not helped by the fact that I’ve had a pounding headache. Both girls had a screaming match in the back of the car on the way back home from my midwife appointment. Paracetamol needed, stat!

In the evening I suddenly remembered about a mess-less footprint/handprint kit I bought when I was pregnant. I had meant to do when E was first born but totally forgot about it so did it today instead. Loving E’s iddy biddy footprints…

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I have a spare sheet so I’m going to try and do the same with Jasmine (that will probably be easier said than done) and frame both sets of prints together.

Thursday – Day 11:

Jasmine woke up in the middle of the night again last night. That’s the second time she’s done this since Elowen was born. We hoped she would settle herself to sleep but nope. She was sat up singing the ‘Paw Patrol’ theme tune. Then she started calling out “I miss my mummy! I can’t find my mummy’. She ended up in our bed again but kept us awake for several hours, wriggling around and talking. Stephen ended up taking her downstairs where they slept on the sofa. After a quick Google search, it would seem that it’s very common for toddlers around Jasmine’s age to start waking in the night after a new sibling is born. I hope it doesn’t last long, it’s exhausting enough having one child waking in the night, let alone two.

Elowen has been super clingy today and has not wanted to be put down AT ALL. I don’t mind, I’ve waited a long time for newborn cuddles. It did take me an hour and half to change our bedsheets though (duvet covers were soaked through with breastmilk again). I eventually wore her in the Caboo carrier in order to get sh*t done!

Today was the first day that I’ve felt sad since having E. I feel like I’ve barely seen Jasmine all day and had no one-to-one time with her. She was at nursery this morning and this afternoon I’ve had a baby glued to my boob constantly. Feeling all the mum guilt. I managed to read her a bedtime story at least but still feeling a bit pants.

I’ve been trying to feed Elowen without nipple shields every few feeds with mixed success. She seems to latch on much better on my left side than the right. I probably need to try a few different positions. Feeling positive that we’ll be able to ditch the nipple shields soon though. Practice makes perfect…

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Friday – Day 12:

Elowen met her granny (Stephen’s mum) for the first time today. We’ve held off having visitors up until now as I found it a bit overwhelming having people visit when Jasmine was born. I wanted a week or so to just spend time alone as a family and also be able to get to grips with breastfeeding in private. Jasmine’s doing alright out of being a big sister, she’s had so many lovely presents from friends and family. It’s a bit like Christmas has come early!

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It was nice to see my mother-in-law but I was struggling to stay awake towards the end of her visit. I could feel my eyes getting heavier and heavier. As soon as we said goodbye, I went up to bed with Elowen and had a long nap, waking up just in time for dinner which Stephen had cooked. I still felt tired and fuzzy around the ages – it was one of those naps that makes you feel worse!

I really want to start giving E some expressed milk in a bottle so Stephen can help with feeds but I think it’s probably a little too early still at the moment. My boobs still don’t know what they’re doing half the time and still seem to feel quite engorged for most of the day (other than just after feeds). Hopefully my supply will regulate in the next couple of weeks and then expressing will be more of an option.

My 3 best friends (who live in Bristol) are coming up to visit us tomorrow – I am so excited to see them. I just hope that I’m feeling a bit more awake than I have been today.

Saturday – Day 13: 

Ahh today was so lovely – it was amazing to spend time with my friends. They absolutely adored having Elowen hugs and of course, they made a fuss of my biggest girl too. We spent most of the day at home just catching up and having a good old chinwag! Once Jasmine went to bed we headed out to the pub for dinner with Elowen in the pram. I was a bit nervous about going out for the evening with a newborn but my friends convinced me it would be fine. They were right – E slept pretty much the entire time whilst I made a pig of myself. (I had the ‘Ultimate Burger followed by a Chocolate and Bailey’s sundae – happy days!) Elowen woke up just as I finished my pudding so I quickly fed her before we left. It always feels weird to go out and do ‘normal things’ when you’ve just had a baby but it was just what I needed.

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Sunday – Day 14:

After taking a while to settle last night, Elowen only woke up about two times for a feed so I actually don’t feel quite so tired today. The weather was gorgeous – cold but sunny – so we headed out as a family and took Jasmine to our local park. It felt strange being there with two children – very surreal.

Once we got home we had lunch and Stephen and I tried to get some chores done (he’s back to work tomorrow). Jasmine had a few emotional breakdowns today – at one point, curling up into a ball and saying “nobody likes me”. I know she’s only saying it to get attention but it’s still not a nice thing to hear. We reassured her that we loved her very much but that we sometimes had to do other things and not just play with her constantly.

I tried feeding Elowen without nipple shields again this afternoon (from both sides) and it went well. A little uncomfortable on the right side (as usual) but we are getting there!

And that brings us to the end of Stephen’s paternity leave. The last two weeks have gone way too fast but at least it isn’t long until Christmas now. I’m feeling nervous about tomorrow – my first day alone with both kiddos. I’m hoping to get Jasmine to playgroup in the morning – we’ll see how that turns out!

I can’t believe my baby girl is two-weeks-old already. *sobs*

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