Pregnancy after a loss & blogger guilt

Pregnancy after a loss & blogger guilt

I spent a long time um-ing and ah-ing over whether or not to write about my current pregnancy on my blog. As somebody who has had to deal with the heartache of having two miscarriages, I know how upsetting it can be for somebody going through a loss or infertility to constantly see pregnancy updates. I know how it feels when it seems like everybody else is celebrating bumps and babies and you’re not. It really bloody hurts. And now that I’m pregnant again? Well, I feel guilty that my happy news could be causing somebody else to feel miserable. I hate the thought of that.

What I realised though, when I was going through my own grieving process, was that every woman should be able to celebrate, feel happy and talk about their pregnancy – in whatever form that takes. The fact that I got upset about seeing/hearing about other people’s pregnancies was my problem. Not theirs.

I spent a lot of time blocking, muting and deleting pregnant bloggers on social media. And I know – I know – how horrible that makes me sound. I still feel a little disappointed in myself and ashamed for reacting that way. But in all honestly? It wasn’t personal. It was self-preservation. And that’s what I needed to do to get through that stage of my grief. I had to protect myself from hurting anymore whilst I licked my wounds and allowed myself the time and space to heal.

Of course, not everybody who goes through early pregnancy loss will feel the same way I did. I don’t mind admitting that I was angry and bitter at the world. I’d love to have been able to be genuinely happy to hear of other people’s baby news but it turns out I’m just not wired that way.

Thankfully, the ‘angry and bitter’ stage did pass and over time I gained better control of my emotions. Deep down I understood that people weren’t trying to deliberately hurt me or rub their pregnancies in my face. (It’s crazy how self-absorbed grief can make you). But my biggest ‘eurka moment’ was when I realised this: No matter how resentful I was towards others, it wasn’t going to bring my babies back. I was wasting all of my energy on something I could never change. I had to move on.

For me, moving on meant trying again for a baby, but for others it might mean something completely different. You’ll know what’s right for you.

Forgive me, I’m not entirely sure where I’m going with this blog post, it was never one I had planned to write but it was something that has been on my mind ever since I found out I was pregnant again.

I guess, amongst all of the “and what do ya know, we got pregnant straightaway” pregnancy blog posts out there (and they are no less worthy than any others) I wanted to write something for those who have been or are going through what I went through. I think this is the blog post I was desperate for somebody to write 8 months ago.

So, I’ll tell you what I wished I could have read then:

Whatever you’re feeling, it’s normal.

You’re not a bad person.

It wasn’t your fault.

Want to try again? Do it. Need more time? Take more time. Done with trying to conceive? Who could possibly blame you?

It gets easier. You won’t feel this bad forever.

Do what you need to do to protect yourself from further hurt. If that means temporarily pulling away from pregnant friends or relatives then that’s what you need to do. Anybody with an ounce of compassion will understand.

There is hope.

There is support, you just have to find it.

And once more… it was not your fault.

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37 Comments

  1. July 26, 2016 / 11:04 am

    A brilliant post lovely. And one I feel that I could have written myself. I had immense guilt when I first got pregnant and really didn’t know whether I should blog about the pregnancy or not. But I have learnt that it is actually really important to share these stories. There are women out there who are desperate to read about pregnancy after loss. To be given hope and feel like they are not alone. This is a really brave post to write. But I am so glad you did. Because everything you’ve written covers thoughts and feelings I have had. And you aren’t alone in hating the world after a miscarriage or drawing away from pregnant friends. I did exactly the same. If they are good friends then they will understand and they will welcome you back with open arms. At least that is what my friends did. Hugs Lucy xxxx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      July 26, 2016 / 11:49 am

      Thank you, Lucy. I’m glad that you recognised yourself in my post as it just confirms to me even more that what I felt/am feeling is completely natural. And it’s true, just as I’m sure there will be people out there who won’t want to read about my pregnancy, there will be others who are searching for a bit of hope after suffering from miscarriage. I hope I can give that to them. Love you lots – and enjoy soaking up your rainbow baby. :) xxx

  2. July 26, 2016 / 11:33 am

    Great post and so open. I suffered a miscarriage but it was at a time when I didn’t know I was pregnant and the timing would have been all wrong so it didn’t affect me in the way it would for someone who wants and is trying for a child. I can imagine how seeing other pregnant pictures would make you feel like that, and I think that’s a perfectly natural and normal way to deal with things. This is a great post for those who are in that moment you were in with helping them understand that anger.

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      July 26, 2016 / 11:53 am

      Thank you, Donna. Oh absolutely – miscarriage will effect every woman differently, according to their personal circumstances – I’m sure there are many who would’ve dealt with their loss far better than I did… and others, far worse. There is no right or wrong though – it is what it is. I really hope that this post will help other ladies to understand that whatever they may be feeling after a loss, it is normal. x

  3. July 26, 2016 / 4:33 pm

    Beautifully written. I suffered miscarriages before both my girls and there really wasn’t anything out there that I could relate to. Everything people feel is completely normal and everyone feels something differently. Well done for writing it, not an easy post to write X

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      July 26, 2016 / 8:46 pm

      Thank you, Laura. I think we are getting better at talking about miscarriage, which is great, but there’s still lots to be done. x

  4. July 26, 2016 / 4:53 pm

    Oh Jenna. This was just what I needed to hear. After having two miscarriages I feel COMPLETELY the same. When I do get pregnant again I want to celebrate it though, and try and be as excited as I was with my first pregnancy. I hope you can too. I am wishing you all the best in this pregnancy xx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      July 26, 2016 / 8:43 pm

      I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through two miscarriages too. You should definitely celebrate and enjoy your pregnancy when the time comes. I’m trying my best to do the same. Thank you for your kind words. Sending you lots of love and baby dust! :) x

  5. July 26, 2016 / 5:31 pm

    I totally agree that every woman should be able to celebrate and not feel guilty. I have a few friends that have been through the same and they say that they love hearing of other people’s baby news.

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      July 26, 2016 / 8:56 pm

      That’s so nice to know that your friends still enjoy hearing baby news. It took me a long while to get to that stage but then we all react differently to these things. x

  6. July 26, 2016 / 9:02 pm

    I think it all depends on how early the miscarriage happened and if it was a baby you have been trying for a long time. There is a lot to factor in. I had one miscarriage but it was used trying for the first time and it was only at 5 weeks. I still felt terrible though.

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      July 26, 2016 / 9:11 pm

      Oh you’re definitely right about that, like I said in my post – many woman who have an early miscarriage won’t necessarily feel the same way I did. It all depends on everyone’s own individual circumstances. Both of my mcs were early, at just over 6 weeks, but they were much longed for pregnancies so I was devastated both times. x

  7. July 26, 2016 / 9:03 pm

    Such an honest and brave post to write and so beautifully written too. Every woman should be able to share their news and not feel that guilt. I think with pregnancy and parenthood there is so much guilt, whatever your circumstances. Wishing you all the best for this pregnancy xx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      July 26, 2016 / 9:24 pm

      Thank you, Rebecca. It’s a strange one, the guilt I feel about sharing my news doesn’t come from anybody but myself. I think it’s because I’m hyper-aware of how much it can upset some people, having felt that way myself for such a long time. x

  8. July 27, 2016 / 10:31 am

    You are so brave for sharing this and it’s beautifully written. I can totally relate to how you are feeling. During my 1st pregnancy i found out at my 12 week scan that i was pregnant with twins, but that one had sadly died at 11 weeks which was devastating. Though i wanted to celebrate the life that was still growing inside of me, i was grieving for the life that had gone and the baby i would never meet. Events can be so cruel sometimes, but pregnancy is definitely something to be celebrated so don’t ever feel guilty for sharing yours. Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy this time xxx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      July 27, 2016 / 8:00 pm

      I’m sorry that you lost one of your twins. I can only imagine what a complete mix of emotions you must’ve felt upon hearing that news. Thank you so much for your kind words. xx

  9. July 27, 2016 / 4:13 pm

    Aww honey, I totally get you being in two minds about this. I think it’s always going to be a sensitive topic, and it’s hard to be on the internet at all without feeling offended by something these days. But honestly, most of us are just delighted for you and that you are doing well. xx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      July 27, 2016 / 8:28 pm

      I think what you say is very true – it’s very hard to do/say anything without upsetting someone somewhere. Thanks for your kind words. xx

  10. July 28, 2016 / 7:39 am

    Such and honest and beautiful post, Jenna! I can completely understand how you were feeling, I don’t think it makes you sound horrible at all! I’m sure I would have done the same. Massive congratulations on your pregnancy and wishing you all the best xxx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      July 28, 2016 / 1:37 pm

      Thank you, Georgina. Such a lovely, kind comment – I really appreciate it. xx

  11. July 28, 2016 / 1:44 pm

    Such a fabulous post and I know exactly where you’re coming from. We had a miscarriage at Christmas last year and like you I had to delete a lot of bloggers who were pregnant, not because I wasn’t happy for them but because I turned into a green eyed monster and it really upset me seeing their updates and pics, etc.x

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      July 28, 2016 / 1:52 pm

      I’m sorry that you have had to go through this too, Laura. It can be so heartbreaking. And you’re right, in terms of blocking people etc. it’s not really about whether you are happy for them or not, it’s about self-care. xx

  12. July 29, 2016 / 10:21 am

    I think we all deal with things differently and thats okay. One should never take another persons opinions personally. You speak so openly and honestly here about your experiences and offer support to others going through similar. I have lost two pregnancies and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy it is very hard to go through, a lot of guilt. But it does pass and you do heal and that always important and something to remember at the darkest times. Lovely post and so relatable. xx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      July 29, 2016 / 1:27 pm

      Thank you, Tanita. I think what you’re saying is very true. Even though I was distraught after my second miscarriage, I had hindsight on my side – having been through it all before, I knew things would get better over time and that I would heal eventually. x

  13. July 30, 2016 / 11:43 am

    The problem with social media is that it is so hard to avoid what you don’t want to see. I would have done the same as you in your position, nothing wrong with muting what you don’t want to see! I’m glad things are easier for you now though

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      July 30, 2016 / 1:31 pm

      That’s very true – unless you avoid social media completely it’s very hard to avoid seeing things that you don’t want to. I unfollowed a lot of pregnant bloggers after I first had my miscarriage because I found the constant updates etc. upsetting. Even then there were always more people announcing. It did get easier to deal with after a while. x

  14. July 30, 2016 / 9:34 pm

    I am sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I haven’t been through it before, but I can imagine how hard it was/ has been.
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    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      July 30, 2016 / 9:40 pm

      Thank you, lovely. It was a horrible experience to go through but I still consider myself very lucky – I have one gorgeous rainbow baby and another on the way. :) x

  15. August 3, 2016 / 8:33 pm

    What a refreshingly honest post. I’m very fortunate in that I haven’t experienced a miscarriage but many of my friends have, one of whom was pregnant with me and I felt terribly guilty. Wishing you all the luck in the world for this pregnancy x

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      August 4, 2016 / 10:02 am

      Oh that must have been very tough for you both. Thank you so much. xx

  16. August 3, 2016 / 10:21 pm

    Jenna I am so sorry you went through all of this, the conflict must have felt awful. I have never been through it so cant begin to understand. I am so glad you are in a better place now and expecting and new little arrival xx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      August 4, 2016 / 9:43 am

      Thank you so much for your kind words, Sarah. It’s been a really tough year but I know when I have my little person safely in my arms it will have been all worth it. x

  17. August 4, 2016 / 7:14 pm

    I agree. I felt so angry and jealous throughout my infertility years and that’s not like me at all. It happens a lot as we all want our precious babies so much. SO glad you’re coming through that and great to have you back blogging again. Missed you :) xx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      August 4, 2016 / 7:32 pm

      I think we place an unrealistic expectation on ourselves to get through loss/infertility without our feelings changing towards others. We are ony human, though. Thank you so much, Jess – I can’t wait to hold my rainbow baby in my arms. And it’s great to be blogging again, properly blogging – I’ve missed it. xx

  18. August 25, 2016 / 9:58 am

    A lovely honest post, it is lovely to hear people being honest as it helps others, helps them feel they are not alone and it’s ok to feel these things.

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      August 25, 2016 / 11:05 am

      Thank you, Stephanie. x

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