One day at a time…

Part of me expects that nobody else, other than me, will ever get to read this blog post – although I hope that won’t be the case. I’m pregnant. And, as much as I wanted this, and I really did want this – I’m not overjoyed or excited… I’m bloody petrified. You see, this is my fourth pregnancy and thus far my success rate for a healthy full-term pregnancy is 33%. Doesn’t sound a lot, does it? But the numbers don’t mean anything, not really. Either I’ll lose this baby or I won’t. I’m trying to be optimistic but I’m finding it incredibly hard.

At the time of writing this, I am 5 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I count the days because every day counts. Every day closer to meeting my baby matters to me. Every day I get to stay pregnant, I’m thankful – to whom, I’m not entirely sure, just thankful.

There’s been a spate of pregnancy announcements in ‘real life’ and in the blogging community over the last week or so. I thought it would be easier to be happier for people, knowing that I’m pregnant myself. But I’m still jealous – I’m jealous that they know their baby is growing well and that everything is as it should be. I’m jealous that they’ve got to see their wriggly bean in black and white, that they’ve looked into their husband’s eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. That’s a moment I’ve been dreaming of. (My own husband’s eyes though, obviously!)

I’m envious of the fact that they, having reached 12 weeks, can shout their news from the rooftops (often in beautiful and elaborate ways). Right now, I cannot even comprehend getting that far. My mind daren’t let itself think about ways of announcing my pregnancy. I can only think about today, I can only hope I’m still pregnant at the end of it. And then the same process will start again tomorrow. I’m just taking it one day at a time.

Of course, I know that all of these newly-announced pregnant ladies would’ve no doubt dealt with their own fears, anxieties and struggles over the last 3 months. The first trimester is a scary time, no matter what you have or haven’t been through previously. It’s such a shame that, as a society, we feel forced to keep quiet about what is often the hardest part of pregnancy.

The good news is, I’ve stopped peeing on pregnancy tests now, which is progress. I’ve peed on an embarrassing quantity of pregnancy tests since I got that first positive in order to check that “Yep… I’m still pregnant.” However, the sore boobs and sheer exhaustion I’ve been experiencing is now enough to reassure me that somethin’ be going on in there. That said, I do check for blood every single time I go to the toilet. And I do worry myself sick that I haven’t been sick. I was so, so poorly when I was pregnant with Jasmine. Why am I not puking already?!

I’ll probably regret having a desire for morning sickness in a week or two. Here’s hoping!

Next week is going to be especially tough, both of my previous miscarriages were in my sixth week of pregnancy so I’ll no doubt be on ‘high alert’. But it’s also going to be Jasmine’s second birthday and then we’re off on our first holiday abroad as a family so there’s also a lot to look forward too. I’m determined to enjoy it all.

For now, I’ll keep wishing, hoping and being thankful, one day at a time.

Stay sticky, little bean. xx

This post was originally written on the 30th March 2016. 

I wasn’t sure whether or not to publish this post publicly as, reading it back now, it seems very negative. But that’s how I felt at the time and I want to be honest with myself and my readers about pregnancy after a loss.

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Comments

  1. May 25, 2016 / 3:38 pm

    Aww! Bless you! What a beautiful post, straight from the heart…
    Sending love and hugs!
    Congratulations xxx

    • Jenna May 25, 2016 / 10:07 pm

      Thanks very much Kim, that’s really kind of you. :) x

  2. May 25, 2016 / 5:35 pm

    Hugs. Just great big hugs. You know that I know where you’re coming from.

    I do so hope that everything continues to go well and that you can relax and have a happy, healthy pregnancy. Vx

    • Jenna May 25, 2016 / 10:17 pm

      Aw, thanks Vickie – I really appreciate it. :)

      I’m feeling happier and healthier every day… fingers crossed it stays that way. :) xx

  3. May 25, 2016 / 8:49 pm

    I’m glad you published this Jenna, thank you for sharing your honest feelings about pregnancy after loss. I’m so pleased you’ve made it through the first trimester xxx

    • Jenna May 25, 2016 / 10:16 pm

      Thanks, Jess. I genuinely didn’t believe I would make it this far at the time I wrote this post but if nothing else, it now serves as a reminder to myself that I got through it. :) x

  4. May 27, 2016 / 4:45 pm

    Jenna it is so important that you published this. As frequently the first trimester is not as wonderful for many women as it should be. I had all these thoughts and more. Every time I felt a little excited I would get angry with myself because I thought that I’d cursed the baby. I had lots of heavy bleeding in the first trimester of this pregnancy and was convinced I’d lost the baby. I had to have many scans and for a day they put my mind at ease. But I really didn’t start enjoying this pregnancy until I was 24 weeks pregnant. I feel guilty for that. But it was always going to be this way. I’m so happy for you darling. And please know that you are not alone. If you want to talk then I am always here. Hugs Lucy xxxx

    • Jenna June 1, 2016 / 2:29 pm

      I remember when you were having the bleeding and my heart sank for you. After what you had already been through, I know what you must have been thinking and I’m so glad it turned out not to be another miscarriage. I don’t think you should feel guilty for not enjoying the pregnancy – it’s totally understandable and natural that you would feel that way. I’m glad you’re enjoying your pregnancy and feeling more positive now. It won’t be long before you’re holding your precious boy in your arms. :) Thanks for your continued support – you’re a good egg, Mrs H! xxx

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