Lately…

I’ve been relatively absent from my blog over the last couple of months and whilst I’m certainly not under any illusion that there are hundreds of people wondering where I’ve been, I thought it would be nice to have a catch up. Bloggers disappear, without a word, all the time and I tend to be one of those people who wonder “What happened to them?” Sometimes life gets in the way and other times, they just fall out of love with it all. In my case, it was little bit of both.

As most of you know, I had a miscarriage in November and that was what turned everything on it’s head. It came at a time when it felt like 95% of mummy bloggers were announcing pregnancies and whilst I was pleased for them all – it can become truly exhausting being happy for everybody else. Especially when you’re battling with your own grief. I had to look after myself and take the time to heal. It was then that I decided to take a step back from the blogging community. For my own sanity, if nothing else.

I, at least, was in the fortunate or unfortunate position (depending on which way you look at it), to have been through this all before. I knew that it would get better in time, I knew that my grief wouldn’t be this painful forever. And I’m glad to say that things are getting better and the pain doesn’t sting quite so much. I can now smile at the pregnant ladies at our toddler groups without fighting back the tears. I trust that my turn will still come. I have to believe that it will.

The amount of time I suddenly gained from not blogging was more than I knew what to do with. Well, at first anyway. But then I joined the library (it only took me two and half years!) and I have found myself getting lost in books again. I can spend a whole morning at the library – browsing the aisles, running my fingers across the spines of books,  searching for a title that grabs me. I’ve slept so much better since swapping my ‘up until gone midnight on the laptop’ routine for one that involves climbing into bed at 10pm to read a few chapters of a good book. Better sleep = less grumpy. Less grumpy = more patient. More patient = happier mummy. Happier mummy = happier daughter.

Talking of being more patient. I never feel like I have to rush around anymore. Whereas before I would snap at Jasmine because she wasn’t walking home from nursery quick enough . I’d worry that she’d then be late down for a nap and I’d have less time to blog or clean the house or prep dinner… The list of things that I thought I needed to get done was endless.

Those things are no longer priorities. Instead, I let Jasmine stomp in every puddle on the way home – even the pathetic 4×4 cm ones. I encourage her to run along the different types of gravel we come across, as many times as she likes. We touch the leaves and twigs on every bush we walk past. We say ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ to every person and animal we meet. We loiter all the way home and it’s ace. I just wish I had known it sooner.

I’ve started doing more for me and I now know that I’m not being selfish for doing so. A realisation that took far too long to come to me. In January, I rejoined Slimming World and I’m slowly working my way back to my target weight (which I achieved in the summer, before I got married… and then subsequently comfort ate like a mofo after the MC). I also recently started going to cardio kick boxing classes which make me feel a happy, satisfied kind of exhausted.

The time-suck part aside, I have missed blogging. Writing here on Tinyfootsteps has always been my favourite creative outlet but recently I’ve chosen to keep a diary instead. A diary that is for my eyes only. Understandably, my thoughts and feelings have been so raw over the last few months that I’ve been less willing to share them publicly. Everything about the whole damn situation was ugly. My blog was supposed to be my ‘happy place’ and I felt the ugliness was creeping in.

So where do I go from here? I’m not really sure. I think I am just going to keep on doing what I’m doing.

Healing. Taking things slow. Looking after myself. Getting fitter and stronger. Reading. Writing for me. And jumping in tiny, pathetic puddles with my girl.

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Comments

  1. Avatar February 23, 2016 / 9:38 am

    I think it’s really good to focus on you, put yourself first (and family) first and then everything else will fall into place. I really need to get back into reading as I just can never switch off at night time! Hope to see you still blogging xx

    • Jenna February 23, 2016 / 11:23 am

      Exactly, I’m starting to get that ‘everything slotting into place’ feeling and I’m so much happier for it. Oh yes, reading before bed is a great way to switch off at night. Yes, I’ll still be blogging – just not as much. xx

  2. Avatar February 23, 2016 / 3:10 pm

    You have to do what feels right for you and your family. You seem a lot happier and in a much better place now! What a lovely photo of you and your daughter too, you both look so happy! xx

    • Jenna February 25, 2016 / 2:54 pm

      I’m certainly getting there, Emma.

      Thanks so much – she is my little ray of sunshine. How could I not smile when I’m with her? :) xx

  3. Avatar February 23, 2016 / 3:19 pm

    Oh bless you lovely! So hard I bet. Best thing to do is to concentrate and look after yourself xxx

    • Jenna February 25, 2016 / 2:56 pm

      That’s the plan! :) x

  4. Avatar February 23, 2016 / 10:12 pm

    It’s good that you’ve taken some time for yourself and to do things that you enjoy recently. Spend some time doing things that make you happy and hopefully other things will fall into place x

    • Jenna February 24, 2016 / 3:14 pm

      Here’s hoping, Lisa. Thank you. x

  5. Avatar February 24, 2016 / 8:46 am

    I can totally relate to the impatience. I am completely guilty of this. Constantly snapping at Lamb for taking his time. I’m definitely getting better now I’m organising my time better. You’re right to take some time for yourself. I can’t relate but I can understand. Sending hugs xx

    • Jenna February 24, 2016 / 3:16 pm

      I think all parents are guilty of that from time to time. We’re still human, at the end of the day. Organising time better definitely helps too. :) xx

  6. Avatar February 24, 2016 / 3:28 pm

    So glad to see you back but more importantly that you’ve taken some time for yourself and are hopefully feeling the benefits of it. Sending lots of love your way; always here if you need to talk xx

    • Jenna February 24, 2016 / 4:25 pm

      Thank you so much, Maddy – that means a lot. :) xx

  7. Avatar February 24, 2016 / 8:35 pm

    I’m so glad that you’re taking things slower and finding more time for yourself. Hopefully the break will do you the world of good and everything else will fall into place. I do hope so as no one deserves it more than you Jenna.

    You take your time coming back to blogging. I know I’ll be here reading whatever you write whenever you write it. Vx

    • Jenna February 25, 2016 / 2:51 pm

      Thank you so much, Vickie. That really means a lot. You are such a lovely, lovely lady and I’m glad that I’ve got to know you through blogging.

      I’m starting to feel like I am in a better place, although some days are much harder than others.

      I’m in no rush to return to blogging – I’m enjoying focusing on other things. I’m glad that I’ll have at least one reader when I do return, though! ;) xx

  8. Avatar February 26, 2016 / 11:57 am

    Sending you all so much love hunny I know you have had such a tough time and I am here if you ever need a good chat. I think you’re doing the right thing take time for you do what makes you happy. Hope Jasmine is well xxx

    • Jenna February 26, 2016 / 3:33 pm

      Thank you, Amy. xx

  9. Avatar February 26, 2016 / 8:34 pm

    It’s perfectly fine to have a little break. I’m too scared to if I’m honest.

    • Jenna February 26, 2016 / 9:02 pm

      It’s turning into quite a long break but that’s OK. Aw really, that’s a shame. Blogging is not the be all and end all. x

  10. Avatar March 2, 2016 / 12:01 pm

    I thought you might be taking a break, I’ve missed your blogs but even if you only blog once a year you’ll still be my favourite blogger :)
    It sounds like you’ve done the right thing tho, and benefitted from quality time for both you and Jasmine… I really need to take a leaf out of your book… You’re an inspiration to us all, love ya xxx

    • Jenna March 2, 2016 / 1:46 pm

      Oh, Heledd – you will make me cry! Thank you so much for your kind words.

      Ah, I think you do just find – cut yourself some slack. :)

      Most of it is easier said than done but it’s a working progress. xx

  11. Avatar March 11, 2016 / 3:52 pm

    Sounds like you are in a better place now Jenna, that break seemed like just what you needed and I hope you are feeling even better now. I make sure I don’t sit on the laptop every night as it drives me crazy, sometimes it is just nice to be rather than worrying about making something blog worthy. I’ve been thinking of you and I’m glad you haven’t given up on blogging completely! xx

    • Jenna March 14, 2016 / 2:10 pm

      Absolutely – I feel much happier for stepping back from it all. It feels more like a hobby again now, which is great. :) I’m definitely not giving up completely, though! :) xx

  12. Avatar March 15, 2016 / 12:46 pm

    I’m sorry I’ve been a crappy blogger friend. I’ve been meaning to come visit your corner of the internet for ages but I’ve been either too busy or a little bit worried you’d rather not hear from me anyway. Your time will come my lovely, You know I say that from a place of understanding too, not just empty words. For now, dawdling on walks sounds fun and I need to take a leaf out of your book- I rush far too much and I never really get anywhere from doing so x

  13. Avatar April 5, 2016 / 8:40 pm

    Hi Jenna, I read this post a while ago and have come back to it several times. I’m really sorry to hear about the miscarriage. I’m happy to hear that you’re having a break from blogging though and focusing more on yourself and Jasmine. I love how you describe splashing in puddles and taking your time to do things without rushing. I relate so much because my son is exactly the same, he can’t help himself with jumping in puddles, including the smallest of them, & spotting every bus/van/vehicle/aeroplane/person/animal that goes past. I also relate because I’ve been trying to enjoy the moment too and blogging is so time-consuming. It’s good to take a step back and truly appreciate what is important in life. I’ve mentioned you in my recent monthly update post & hoping you continue to enjoy your time off. Hugs, Polly xx

    • Jenna April 18, 2016 / 9:57 pm

      Hi Polly, thank you so much for your lovely comment and for mentioning me in your monthly update post – it really made me smile. :) It’s lovely to know your boy is a big fan of puddle-jumping too. Since I’ve changed my outlook on blogging and given myself permission to step back and do it ‘as and when’ I’ve felt myself become more relaxed in every other aspect of my life. xx

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