Trying again

Trying again

There is something that consumes my thoughts every day at the moment and that is, trying for another baby. I’ve always wanted at least two children, probably because I grew up with a younger brother and I can’t imagine having not shared my childhood with a sibling. I want Jasmine to have that too, I want to give her the gift of a brother or a sister. I often watch her as she plays with her babies and it makes me realise how much she would dote on the baby of the family. I’m not naive – I know there would probably jealousy and fighting, just as there was between my brother and I, it comes with the territory. But I do know, she would make the best big sister ever.

In November we went through a second agonising miscarriage and suddenly my dream of having another child feels like it’s being snatched away from me. As far as I know, there is nothing medically wrong with me and the fact that I already have a daughter proves that I am capable of carrying a baby to term. It’s more the mental aspect of trying to conceive another baby that I’m struggling with. In the last four years I have been pregnant 3 times and only have one child to show for it. And honestly? I’m just not sure I could cope with losing another baby.

Having a miscarriage makes you feel many things…

It makes you feel like a failure. The moment you see those two pink likes you feel a duty to do whatever it takes to bring that baby safely into the world. When my pregnancies failed, I couldn’t help but ask myself what I did wrong. Did I eat healthily enough? Did I take all the right vitamins? Was I too active? Not active enough? You can go around and around in circles but most of the time? It’s just shit luck.

I felt guilty. I felt guilty that I’d told my husband he was going to be a dad again, only to announce a week later “I’m bleeding, I think it’s over”.

I felt guilty that I have the most wonderful little girl and I still long for another child. I felt like I should be happy with my lot and accept that I’m always going to be a mum of one.

I felt lonely and isolated. My husband and I deal with things in very different ways. He likes to just crack on with things and get back to normality. I like to talk things though and grieve openly. But we’re not meant to talk about miscarriage, are we? It’s not like losing a real person, right? Chin up, get on with it.

It’s the months that follow a miscarriage that I find the hardest. When people expect you to be ‘okay’ again. Over it. Oh, how I wish it worked like that.

I felt angry and bitter. After a miscarriage it often feels like everyone else can seemingly fall pregnant ‘first go’ and have a healthy baby 9 months later. Obviously, I know that’s not the case and I know others have struggled far more than I have. But it doesn’t make it any less difficult when babies and bumps are everywhere, as if they only exist to rub your nose in it. It seems so unfair that others can have child after child so easily and whilst I wouldn’t wish my bad fortune on anybody, I hate being told “I can’t imagine how it feels”. I roll my eyes and I utter “Well, lucky you.” This is me, telling you how it feels.

I don’t like the person I become after miscarriage.

Is it any wonder I am frightened to try again?

I don’t want to call the hospital, sobbing down the phone, to cancel another ultrasound scan.

I don’t want to spend weeks checking for blood every time I go to the toilet, constantly on edge because I fear I will miscarry again.

I don’t want to feel like a failure. Or feel guilty for not giving my husband and daughter what I promised them. I don’t want to feel lonely and isolated anymore. I don’t want to feel angry and bitter about other people’s happiness.

And yet, I still desperately want another baby.

I still want to pick myself up, dust myself down and try again.

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48 Comments

  1. January 18, 2016 / 3:53 pm

    It’s a truly rubbish, heart breaking time, and in honesty I felt nothing really helped when you’re within it. I found I felt very alone, and as though I were wasting everyone’s time. I was incredibly fearful through each “successful ” pregnancy as loss does that to you, but it didn’t ruin the pregnancy, I just was more careful with everything. Don’t lose faith, and don’t be afraid to confess you’re worried as there is lots of support
    Good luck xx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      January 18, 2016 / 9:59 pm

      Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad your previous loss/losses didn’t ruin your pregnant. I know what you mean about being more careful with everything, I think you’re more aware of how easily things can go wrong. I’m trying not to lose faith but having another baby in my arms seems a very long way off. xx

  2. January 18, 2016 / 4:06 pm

    Big Hug! I feel extremely blessed to have my 2nd child (5th pregnancy). Between my daughter and son, I had misscarriage and ectopic pregnancy. I can relate to all the feelings that you feel at the moment. 2013 was the hardest and most emotional year of my life. I was really glad when 2014 started and thrilled when I had a sweet baby to welcome in 2015. This will be your year. #1 If you are not already, demand to see a cognitive therapist. My life saver was this amazing lady that was part of women services at local hospital that allowed me to talk about my concerns and find some hope. #2 Have you thought about taking low-dose aspirin. I did find out that I may have a slight blood-clotting issue. I do know many women that had multiple miscarriages and low dose aspirin was the answer.

    Please keep hope. You are going through the hardest part but once you are holding your new baby the heart-break will feel less painful. Please message me if you need someone to talk to.

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      January 18, 2016 / 10:06 pm

      Thanks so much, I really appreciate your kind words. I’m glad you got your rainbow baby after all that you went through, it must have been so tough. The thing is, the doctors and nurses I’ve spoken to haven’t really taken my miscarriages very seriously. It gets treated like ‘just a thing that happens’. I’d have to have 3 miscarriages in a row (which would mean having 4 in total) before they would even consider looking into why they might be happening. I’ve heard good things about taking aspirin but I wouldn’t want to take it without being prescribed it. I’m not currently going through any CBT but it’s something that has helped me in the past and I know it can be such a brilliant tool.

      Thanks again for your kind words – your story gives me hope. xx

  3. January 18, 2016 / 6:21 pm

    I haven’t been through this so obviously can’t relate but I really hope you try again, and I hope next time it all works out. Thinking of you x

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      January 18, 2016 / 9:29 pm

      Thank you, Donna.

      I really hope I can get the courage to try again. xx

  4. January 18, 2016 / 10:10 pm

    Oh Jenna. I wish I could tell you that it is all going to be okay. I wish I could tell you that it is all going to be easy. But I am the wrong person to talk to. I want you to know that you are not alone. And you should and can openly grieve. You have gone through a heart breaking experience and you are scared for the future. That is natural. Every feeling you describe here is something I have felt and verbalised. It is hard. Bloody hard. But you are not a failure and you haven’t let anyone down. Sometimes life is just shit. Very shit. Don’t push yourself into trying again before you are ready. You need to be emotionally in the right place for it. The time will come. I’m sending you huge hugs and I want you to know that I am always always here for you to chat to. Lots of love and hugs Lucy xxxx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      January 19, 2016 / 11:09 am

      Thank you for being so supportive, Lucy. I know that you, more than most, will know the pain I’m feeling and how lonely and isolating it can be. Your recent news has given me hope, though. I admire you for picking yourself up each time and trying again – I imagine it only gets harder and harder each time. Love you lots. xxx

  5. January 18, 2016 / 10:28 pm

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this, the desire for a second child is so strong and it is devastating when it doesn’t happen and yes, everyone around you seems to be falling pregnant so easily.
    I have never had a miscarriage but we suffered from secondary infertility and it was three years (and a failed IVF cycle) before we did conceive our second who is due in June.
    Inhated who I became when people announced pregnancies and it was all I wanted but we couldn’t make it happen, I felt like such a failure, not a woman as my body couldn’t do the one job it was designed to do.
    Wishing you all the luck in the world and I hope your miracle happens soon.
    xxx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      January 19, 2016 / 10:44 am

      Thank you for your kind words. I’m so sorry that you went through secondary infertility, that must have been so tough. That’s exactly how I feel about my body too, at times. Like it can’t do the one thing is was supposed to do. Congrats on baby no.2. xxx

  6. January 18, 2016 / 10:34 pm

    Hi, I’ve just stumbled across your blog and had to comment. I’m so sorry you’ve been through this. I had two miscarriages last year after two healthy boys and I hear what you’re saying. It’s so confusing to feel grief while being grateful for what you already have, but the two are not mutually exclusive and so please be kind to yourself. If you find the strength to try again I really hope it works out for you xx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      January 19, 2016 / 10:37 am

      Thank you, Michelle. I am sorry for your losses. I have to constantly remind myself that it’s OK to be upset about what has happened and that it doesn’t make me any less grateful for what I do have. xx

  7. January 18, 2016 / 10:56 pm

    Ah Jenna I am so so sorry you have gone through this, I cant begin to understand what you are gong through, but hope you can find the strength to get through it x

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      January 19, 2016 / 10:34 am

      Thank you, Sarah. I’m sure I’ve got it in me, I just need to find it. xx

  8. Ellie Robinson
    January 19, 2016 / 1:39 am

    I hope that one day when it’s right you try again and that it all works out for you. And that if it doesn’t you’ll find the strength to keep trying for what you so desperately want. All my love and prayers!!!xxx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      January 19, 2016 / 10:32 am

      Thank you so much, Ellie. I hope so too. xx

  9. January 19, 2016 / 11:15 am

    Oh bless you, I feel so sad for you. I know the feeling of being desperate for a baby, I haven’t miscarried but it took a year and a half to fall pregnant with my second one, that every month waiting, dreaming, worrying. It really knocks your confidence, especially when someone falls pregnant and weren’t even trying! Makes you feel annoyed with everything, I guess it just shows how every situation is different & how people are different. I really, really hope you get your wish very soon. xx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      January 20, 2016 / 2:39 pm

      Oh, that must have been so frustrating. It took 9 months to fall pregnant after my first miscarriage and it felt like forever. The months drag on and on and on… I’m so pleased that you got there in the end, though. :)

      Thanks, Imogene – I hope too.

  10. January 19, 2016 / 1:04 pm

    I have never had a miscarriage, Jenna, but I did lose a baby at 5 and a half months to leukaemia so I can truly relate to those feelings of anger, frustration and failure. I did not grieve pretty either but the time comes when, as you say, you feel like you can give it another go. I think you are very brave to write about such a painful subject and I hope that if you decide to try again, it will be a happy pregnancy which will produce a healthy baby.xx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      January 20, 2016 / 2:29 pm

      Oh that is so terribly sad. I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t think anybody would have expected you to ‘grieve pretty’ under those circumstances. Thank you for your kind words. Sending you lots of love. xx

  11. January 19, 2016 / 2:51 pm

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this Jenna. It is so hard when it feels like everyone around you is getting pregnant or having babies and it all seems to happen at the drop of a hat. I’m worried about my future fertility now that we’re edging towards an endometriosis diagnosis, and it feels like everyone around me is saying “Look at how easily I can get pregnant and have a baby!”, and it’s shit isn’t it?
    Sending you all my love – if you ever just want to vent, send me a message on Twitter. I’m not great with advice but I’ll always listen xx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      January 20, 2016 / 2:42 pm

      It really is shit, Maddy. :( I hope that isn’t the case for you.

      Thank you for being so lovely, I really appreciate your kindness. xx

  12. January 19, 2016 / 3:09 pm

    Oh bless you! I haven’t been through it so I can not even imagine it hun. But no need to feel guilty. You did nothing wrong lovely. Best of luck for future

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      January 20, 2016 / 2:30 pm

      Thank you, Beth. x

  13. January 19, 2016 / 3:59 pm

    oh hunny! I suffered a miscarriage in November too. It is shitty. We havn’t started properly trying but we are not not trying, if you get me? If you ever want to talk feel free to message me. Sending you lots of love. xxxxx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      January 20, 2016 / 2:28 pm

      I’m sorry you went through that too. Shitty definitely sums it up. Yes, I get what you mean – I hope it happens for you when you’re ready and that you have a happy and healthy pregnancy. Likewise, if you need to talk about it with somebody who is dealing with the same thing as you, always here to chat. :) x

  14. January 19, 2016 / 7:33 pm

    Oh my lovely, what a brave post to write. I long for you to be happy and I truly hope you can stop having that feeling of failure. You most certainly are not. Wishing you lots of love x

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      January 20, 2016 / 2:25 pm

      Thank you for your kind words, Karen. I am sure I will get there in the end. xx

  15. January 19, 2016 / 8:39 pm

    I wish I could say the right thing to make it all better and help your through it. I really hope you are blessed with another child one day and when you are Jasmine will be the best big sister xx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      January 20, 2016 / 2:24 pm

      Thank you Alice, you are so sweet. I hope so too and she certainly will be. :) xx

  16. January 19, 2016 / 10:50 pm

    I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I have no experience, so I don’t feel I can offer much of worth here, but my heart goes out to you. I think it’s awful that when a woman experiences a miscarriage, they are expected to get over it and get on with it quickly, I can’t imagine how it must feel for you and your partner but you shouldn’t have to feel so isolated when it happens!
    I hope you can find the strength to try again, and I hope you get your happy ending xx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      January 20, 2016 / 2:43 pm

      I think it’s the fact that we’re not meant to talk about miscarriage and that it isn’t taken that seriously by healthcare professionals. It makes you feel pretty worthless to be honest. Thank you for your kind words, I hope so too. xx

  17. January 19, 2016 / 10:58 pm

    I’m so sorry you went through that all not once, but twice, i can’t imagine how awful it must have been. I hope when you do find the strength to try again that it all works out for you, you deserve it!xxx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      January 20, 2016 / 2:20 pm

      I feel very unlucky to have gone through it twice, and I know many others who have suffered multiple losses which must be soul destroying.

      Thanks Sophie, I hope so too. xx

  18. January 20, 2016 / 11:00 am

    I feel really, really sad about this. I remember clearly how hard it was trying for a baby…and years and years passed and we couldn’t get pregnant. It was ALL I wanted and it made me feel really lonely and down :( I really hope you get your wish – you thoroughly deserve it. Look after yourself lovely xx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      January 20, 2016 / 2:15 pm

      It’s just so unfair, isn’t Jess? And to have had to gone through it for such a long time, that’s just utterly heartbreaking. Thank you for your kinds words. xx

  19. January 20, 2016 / 12:20 pm

    I have no idea what you’ve been through. I am certain that your time will come. You have a beautiful family.

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      January 20, 2016 / 2:13 pm

      I really hope so. :) Thank you. xx

  20. January 20, 2016 / 8:46 pm

    Aw Jenna, first things first you are definitely not a failure. I know how guilt can consume you. I too carried that around for many years following loosing two of my pregnancies. You will most definitely be able to carry a baby to term again. There is no doubt in my mind. You must stop beating yourself up, and you must cry and mourn your miscarriages, it is so very important to heal yourself from the trauma of the experiences. It is the only way to move forward. Sending you a big hug. Tanita x

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      January 21, 2016 / 2:23 pm

      Thank you, Tanita – deep down I know that there is nothing I could’ve done to stop the miscarriages happening. It’s just the way it goes but asking those questions help me to try and make sense of it all. Thank you for your kind words and good advice, I appreciate it so much. xx

  21. January 20, 2016 / 11:20 pm

    Awww Jenna, I’ve not been through this and so I have no wise words. All I can say is that I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this and although I’m not a religious person, you really deserve to be blessed with another baby as you seem like a fantastic Mummy. xx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      January 21, 2016 / 2:20 pm

      Thank you for your kind words, Amanda – it means a lot. :) xx

  22. January 22, 2016 / 5:50 pm

    So sorry to read this news Jenna, I’ve never been through it so can’t imagine how it feels but I’m so angry and upset for you… You’re such a lovely person and amazing mum to Jasmine, I hope you find it within yourself to try again as you deserve that second child you want so bad, but can’t blame you for not wanting to go through it again. You poor, poor thing xxxx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      January 25, 2016 / 2:52 pm

      Thanks, Heledd. xx

  23. January 23, 2016 / 3:04 pm

    My best friend can’t have children naturally and is currently going through the process of getting help with ovulation and conceiving. I’m going through the whole thing with her, while being pregnant myself, and it pains me that it isn’t easy for all women. You managed to birth a beautiful baby girl, and I’m sure it will happen again. If you need to mourn your loss then do it, release those emotions so you can fill your head with hope and positivity that it will happen again, and I’m sure it will. Sending hugs xxxxx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      January 25, 2016 / 2:47 pm

      That must be such a tough situation for you both. I am sure your best friend is glad to have you for support, whether you are pregnant or not. I hope she gets to have the baby she longs for. xx

  24. January 23, 2016 / 6:01 pm

    Oh Jenna you poor thing i want to reach through this screen and give you a big hug, I sounds like you have had such a tough time recently i cant even begin to image how you are feeling. I am here any time you need a chat xxx

    • Jenna
      Jenna
      Author
      January 25, 2016 / 2:42 pm

      Thank you, Amy. xx

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