When it happens again… {Miscarriage}

When it happens again… {Miscarriage}

I sat in A&E amongst people with broken limbs, cuts and bruises – a sorry looking bunch. And then there was me, no visible clues as to why I was sat in that room, waiting to be seen on a Monday night. I wasn’t there to get an x-ray or to have stitches. I was waiting to be told what I already knew. I was losing another baby.

I wanted to do this at home, in private, but because I’d been having lower right-sided abdominal pain there was a chance I was having an ectopic pregnancy. I spent several hours being moved from room to room – poked and prodded, blood taken, swabs taken, internal examinations, external examinations, moved into another room, wait here, wait there… on and on and on. I just wanted to go home.

I really, really just wanted to go home.

Thankfully, it turned out not to be ectopic – I got to go home and await my lab results. I have to be honest, at this point I held on to a glimmer of hope. I hoped the blood was something else. Anything else. But not because I was losing another baby. Surely I don’t deserve for this to happen again?

The next morning, I eventually got the call. “Your pregnancy hormone is down to just 2. We count that as a negative test. Wait a few months and try again… if that’s what you want.”

Right now, I just can’t think of anything worse. We could try again and it could all be OK. I know it can happen. I have a 19-month-old who proves it can happen. But if it doesn’t? It could break me. This is breaking me.

I’ve never smoked in my life and I rarely drink. I try to take care of my body.

It just seems so cruel that this should happen to me… again.

All I’ve ever wanted to do is grow babies, give birth to them and nurture them. And I can’t. It’s not working. I’m not working. Or at least, that’s what it feels like. My body is broken. My heart is broken.

What do you do when it happens again?

I’ve removed myself from social media for self-preservation, the pregnancy announcements (which seem to appear almost hourly at the moment) are too much to bear. I feel angry and bitter at the world. And then I feel guilty for feeling so angry and bitter. I wouldn’t wish this on anybody. But why should I have to go through this? Again.

Jasmine won’t be having a sibling in the summer.

I won’t be having another child.

We won’t be a family of four.

It seems so simple for everybody else.

But not for me. Not for us.

I never thought I’d be so unlucky to have to suffer another miscarriage.

What do you do when it happens again?

 

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38 Comments

  1. November 26, 2015 / 10:24 am

    Oh Jenna I’m so sorry to hear this xx I don’t know what to say, but I’m thinking of you xx

  2. November 26, 2015 / 11:11 am

    Oh, babe! I’m so, so sorry for your loss. This post was a heartbreaking one to read and I can only imagine how you must be feeling. Sending you virtual hugs and I hope things get easier for you in time. Thinking of you xxx

    Kirsty
    Kirsty recently posted…Life In ExcessMy Profile

  3. November 26, 2015 / 12:00 pm

    Oh Jenna I am so very sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is heartbreaking enough when it happens the first time but when it keeps happening that heartbreak is just unbearable. I wish I could give you a great big hug. There’s nothing I can say that will take away your pain but just know that I’m here if you need to talk.

    I know how tough all of these pregancy announcements are when you’re struggling to come to terms with the possibility of never having another child. And to be honest I’ve had to stop reading twitter and unfollow a few blogs because it’s been too upsetting. But I know it will get easier in time, and I hope it does for you too. Vx

  4. November 26, 2015 / 2:20 pm

    I’m so sorry Jenna, I wish I could say something to make it better but I know I can’t. Just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you…a lot! xxx
    Hayley @hayleyfromhome recently posted…Brush Up On BrushingMy Profile

  5. November 26, 2015 / 2:48 pm

    Oh darling Jenna. My heart breaks for you. I know how devastating this is. It seems so bloody unfair and surreal when it happens again. And you question everything. And doubt yourself. But please know that everything you are feeling is natural. I think I have uttered all these sentiments. Don’t think beyond today. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve. I am here if you need me. Lots of love and big hugs Lucy xxxx
    Mrs H recently posted…Getting through NovemberMy Profile

  6. November 26, 2015 / 2:55 pm

    Jenna I am so so sorry, please know I am here for you and thinking of you and your lovely family. I wish you didn’t have to go through this I will be thinking of you sending love xxx
    Sarah Christie recently posted…The Queens Leeds, My Captured Moments,My Profile

  7. November 26, 2015 / 3:44 pm

    Oh Jenna I am so, so sorry that you are having to go through this all again. My heart goes out to you, it was so lovely to met you at the weekend after all this time. I can’t offer much advice I’m afraid apart from be kind to yourself and know you have lots of friends who are thinking about you xxxx

  8. November 26, 2015 / 3:59 pm

    Jenna beautiful lady. There are no words I can comfort you with, other than I am here and I care. We all do. I suffered loss and it’s beyond devastating. I also would love more children but without a partner that’s impossible and even then I’m not sure I could. The twins were pure luck and will forever be my blessed miracles. I had struggled before and told I wouldn’t have kids. Sending you the biggest hugs. Xxxx
    Kat | Beau Twins recently posted…5 Ways To Encourage Positive Mental WellbeingMy Profile

  9. November 26, 2015 / 4:29 pm

    Oh Jenna I am so sorry. I don’t know what to say, but I just wanted to let you know I had read this and I am thinking of you. Sending you lots of love. X

  10. November 26, 2015 / 6:12 pm

    So sorry to hear that my lovely. I’ve not been through it so I can’t offer any words of wisdom, so I will just send you lots of virtual love and hugs xxxxx

  11. November 26, 2015 / 7:23 pm

    I am so so sorry my lovely :( I wish there was something I, or anyone else, could say to make it better but I know there isn’t. All I can do is send you massive hugs and let you know that I am thinking of you xxx

  12. November 27, 2015 / 8:41 am

    I’m so sorry Jenna. You didn’t do anything to ‘deserve’ this, none of us do. We can’t help but torture ourselves with that thought, though, can we? One day at a time. Hugs xxx
    Leigh – Headspace Perspective recently posted…Loved and Lost Babies RememberedMy Profile

  13. November 27, 2015 / 2:38 pm

    I am so very, terribly sorry for your loss. You’re in my thoughts. xx

  14. November 28, 2015 / 10:31 pm

    I wish I could give you a huge hug, nothing I can say will make it ok but I am thinking of you. We had our rainbow babies before, it can happen again x
    Katy recently posted…A Weekend Break In Athens – Part 1My Profile

  15. November 29, 2015 / 8:25 pm

    Awww Jenna, I’m so sorry to read about this. I can’t imagine what you’re currently going through. Please don’t give up hope though! Send me a message if you need to talk to somebody at all. Hugs.x
    Mummy Lala (Laura) recently posted…WIcked Uncle Toys & Website – ReviewMy Profile

  16. November 30, 2015 / 10:29 pm

    So sorry for your loss. And I totally agree with what you say – it is indiscriminate and unfair. I’m genuinely gutted for you and thinking of you.xx
    Natalie Ray recently posted…Simple Christmas survival cake recipeMy Profile

  17. November 30, 2015 / 11:18 pm

    Oh Jenna. I am so, so sorry. I am sending so much love and hugs over to you. Words can’t describe the feeling and the emotions that come with it. :-( xxx

  18. December 1, 2015 / 6:00 pm

    Oh Jenna, I’ve no idea how I missed this but I’ve just sat down to catch up on some of my fave blogs, the first being yours. I am so, so sorry for your loss and I just wish I could give you the biggest hug. I’ll have to send you one of those crappy virtual ones xxxxxxxx look after yourself xxxxxx

  19. December 1, 2015 / 8:38 pm

    I am so sorry, lots of hugs. Take some time out for yourself, rest, and look after yourself. xxx

  20. December 1, 2015 / 9:40 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss, life can be so unfair. I know how hard it is to carry on after loss, especially when you see everyone else’s pregnancy announcements and baby news. My heart goes out to you. I know how you feel and am sending you lots of compassion and big hugs xx

  21. December 2, 2015 / 1:36 am

    So sorry for your loss Jenna. I wish I had the words to properly express it, but there is no way to really put into words how hard it is. Massive hugs X
    Becky recently posted…Mummy Viking: My Breastfeeding EssentialsMy Profile

  22. December 2, 2015 / 9:29 pm

    I am so so sorry Jenna I cant even imagine how you have been feeling – big hugs to you xxx
    Everything Mummy recently posted…Little Loves..My Profile

  23. December 2, 2015 / 10:36 pm

    Oh gosh, I’m so sorry reading this. Wish I could say the right things to make it better. Life can be unfair sometimes I really really hope things work out soon for you guys if not don’t forget how blessed you already are xxx
    Alice recently posted…Giving Back: Wave 105 Mission ChristmasMy Profile

  24. December 27, 2015 / 6:55 pm

    So sorry Jenna…
    Lots of love to you. xx

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